he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Randomize
