I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
