So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll