Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down