I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
19 Tricks To Help You Join The Mile High Club
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!