the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
