whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
