he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
