I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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