Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
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