Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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