3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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