I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
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Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
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Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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