She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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