So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
