Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
