Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
