I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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