And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
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I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
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My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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