update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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