my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
