I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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