don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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