I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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