I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
