I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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