you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
