two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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