happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Can you repeat that, but with context?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
