Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
even my farts smell like vagina
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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