Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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