If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
