So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
