I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
