woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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