how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
