I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
