I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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