In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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