grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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