If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Just invented taco cereal.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
