i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Sorry about my life...
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
