you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
