The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
