im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
