ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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