I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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