Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Randomize
