I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
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Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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