is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
