A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
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