Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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