3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
