mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Randomize
