I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
