It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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