I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
