Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
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If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
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