So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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