if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
