I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
