I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
