my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
