Im at strip club and am horny
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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