Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
