Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
