Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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