I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
