I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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